August 28, 2007

• Wisdom, or Analysis Paralysis?

  “Better,” “Worse,” or “Just Different?”

  I expect that few who read these words can miss the fact that I like to examine life; to take a long hard look at “what’s there,” and to seek some kind of meaning in the things I see out there.

  There are people in my life who have gotten (or get) frustrated by this. They often make the point to me that they are more interested in “applied” life.

  I have no problem with that… we each have to find things that make sense to us. The problem arises, when people want to start sorting “just different” approaches into “good” and “bad,” and “right” and “wrong,” and some other long list of qualifiers.

  How often is something actually “bad” in the broad sense of the word? When a friend of mine says “I just can’t go out with Mike anymore, because he’s such a bad kisser,” does that really mean that Mike is a “bad” kisser, or does it merely mean that Mike kisses in a way that doesn’t feel like the way you want to be kissed? Not withstanding the fact that “bad” can exist, in some cases, isn’t it entirely possible that Sophie over there, would think that Mike is an absolutely dreamy kisser?

  Why do we apply these good, bad, right, wrong terms so easily, liberally and universally? And we do… in politics, in families, in love, in religion, in bed, at work…. and so often, the outcome is a heap of hurt, both for other people, as well as for ourselves.

  A friend of mine talks about my “analysis paralysis.” That I “think about” the consequences of life, rather than just “living it.” Of course, I “prove” her right by going straight into an introspective contemplation of whether or not her approach is resulting in her living a happy life. After a bit of that action, I conclude that her approach may– or may not– be working for her, but that it wouldn’t work for me. And, that the issue really isn’t about that, but about all the times people “need” others to conform to their realities, to varying degrees.

  Don’t get me wrong, I love sharing ideas of with others… and I’m always excited when someone adopts one of my ideas and their existence feels brighter to them, as a result. However, I have no attachment to anyone thinking my ideas are cool, helpful, or interesting. Ideas simply “are,” much like rain.

  I am slowly getting into teaching. That is, I have been asked to facilitate workshops at the HSP Retreats I periodically mention in these pages. I find myself less concerned about my general discomfort around public speaking and presentation, than I do about the possibility that people will attach too much “meaning” to what is nothing more than “ideas.” I feel concerned that some will think I have “THE ANSWER,” when all I really have is an idea or two, and I barely have any answers, for myself.

  One of my favorite concepts is INTERdependence. To me it implies that we’re all connected and open to sharing and exchange as part of our well-being, while remaining autonomous and self-directed. I have been through the whole cycle of INdependence, COdependence, and straight dependence… and they so rarely seem to manifest in what I’d call “healthy expression.” Interdependence is compassionate, but not needy and clingy.

  It’s also, sadly, quite rare. Most often, I hear people say “nice idea, but who’s actually that adult and secure?” Maybe I’m just an idealist…

  I want you to care about me, not take care of me.
  I want to care about you, not take care of you.
  I want you to help me, not control me.
  I want to help you, not control you.
  I want to support your changes, not change you.
  I want you to support my changes, not try to change me.
  I want to let you be 100% you, when you’re with me.
  I want you to let me be 100% me, when I’m with you.

  
   

  • 3:14 pm
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