October 19, 2007
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Walking Alone
I have written much, on these pages, about connecting and connection. Connection, relationships and love happen to be some of my favorite topics in life… perhaps because I see them as central to our overall well-being, both on a personal and a global level.
However, sometimes I do wonder if we ultimately walk alone.
Maybe that sounds odd, given my previous entry. And maybe it’s odd for me to write these words, given that the topic “we’re all ultimately alone” has been exhausted by writers, for generations.
When I was a teenager… and up into my 30′s (less frequently), I had a series of dreams with a recurring theme. Within these dreams I was always “important” in some way… like I was the inadvertent/unwitting “key” to something that needed to be done, said, collaborated on, or whatever. And I would do the “job” I was meant to do, with great skill and determination.
Usually, there was a person (or personS) for whom I was performing whatever the task at hand might be. In the end, that/those person(s) was/were always impressed and happy, and deeply grateful. Then there would be a leavetaking, and I would find myself watching the person(s) I had helped walk away; sometimes one, sometimes a whole group of people. And then I’d be walking down an empty road with the sun on my shoulders, feeling a great sense of loss.
Over the years, I have assigned a whole bunch of potential meanings to those dreams. One meaning– which is not relevant here– except to one single person– I am quite comfortable with, but it’s also based on a longer “version” of these dreams that offered some additional insight. The remainder has been cloudy, until very recently… when it struck me these dreams were all about non-attachment. And about “doing what’s right.”
You just do what’s right. Help, because you can. Not because you “hope to get something,” or “want people to think well” of you. If a hole needs to be dug and someone needs help, you pick up a shovel and dig the hole… for no reason other than it is “Right Action.”
In those dreams, I was “exchanging” (or wanting to exchange, rather) something I was capable of doing for “connection.” That has been a long and hard lifelesson for me. Just doing has no expectations. That’s not some nihilistic approach to gratitude or offers of connection… for those I am grateful… but they don’t drive anything, anymore. They merely “happen.” I used to pay really good lip service to the notion of “selflessness,” but have come to realize that even the awareness of selflessness is “transactional.” As in “look at me, look at how selfless I am being.” In having those thoughts, I am still trying to “get” something. Even if it’s merely a recognition of said selflessness.
The only path out is to just do whatever it is I do. And to find compassion. And to love, in that zen-like “love-for-all” way, that is actually both self-ISH and self-LESS. The key isn’t that we have to run towards aloneness like it’s some great thing… we can still seek company, love and connection… the key is just to let go of the need to “avoid aloneness at all costs.”
Why that scares people so badly, I don’t know.
My recent trip to the Colorado retreat offered me some new insights into “where I am.” Maybe it was on the third evening– I found myself “stepping back” and watching others find connection and a sense of “home.” And I realized that I no longer felt the need to be acknowledged for my contribution to the process– which, in this case, had been fairly significant. Not saying I wouldn’t like acknowledgment, just saying I didn’t need it, anymore.
What’s kinda funny about it all… is that when you can let go of the need to control an outcome; to micro-manage how others respond and perceive you; to be possessed by the word “must,” then there is great freedom and peace. That’s especially true of love and relationships. If you don’t feel the compulsion to “shape” them so they fit into a particular “box,” the possibilities and opportunities become so much greater.
When “They” talk about being fearless, maybe that’s what “They” mean.
My thoughts and love, today, goes out to someone who’s on the road… be safe!
Comments (12)
its always nice to see you pop over peter. i was surprised to see how tall you really from your pic on s2know’s blog. or maybe colleen is just really short…i like your thinking. if it needs done, do it. letting go of expectations is not always easy. it helps you stand tall, though, i think (like you need that though)
ds
I had a similar dream with a science fiction sort of twist. But to make it less complicated I had been on a significant journey with a bunch of people for a long period of time… Then at one point they told me they were no longer coming with me. I was severely upset saying we had important work to do! Essentially their “staying” meant their end, their death. But they begged me to press forward…
Reluctantly I did. I just couldnt believe that they had come so far with me, and were deciding to “stop”. I had to finish what we all had essentially begun… and I had to do it alone.
“Just doing has no expectations.”
So true. I look forward to the day where I can ‘just do’ and ‘just be.’ Tall order but worth the pursuit.
I am NOT short!
(grin)
Good thoughts, Peter!!! Your dream is very similar to my life, which I’ve written about also, but I’ve also gotten less attached to ‘keeping’ things as I think they should be. I’ve even become the first one to let go when I’ve gone as far as I think I can and it’s time for the other person to fly on their own.
I’ve been thinking lately that even w/connections… I am still very much walking my own way, my own way.
*hugs*
Wonderful post Peter, I liked what you have to say as always. Love to you, Judi
Im re reading your post and Im just trying to think about some of the things you are saying.
I believe I get it, I believe I feel it…
Compassion being something we practice, not just for others but for ourselves… and the idea that we cant control others or even micro manage anything… but as an act of compassion for ourselves we have to know our own limits right? Such as knowing when to walk away or allowing someone else to resolve their own challenges.
Yep. You just do it because it’s the thing to DO.
I’d lived like that unconsciously , in bits and pieces, for my entire life, as best as I can recall. Not always, but here and there, fifty fifty.
I started to become conscious of that being “right living” a couple years (?) ago. Not suddenly. Just…came into awareness.
it keeps the road clear, I don’t know what that means…those words just fell out of my mind into my mouth.
As I became more aware of this being “right living” so did I become more aware of other’s selfish motivations around me.
Depressing. And how easy to fall into righteousness and anger about it. To feel so alone, like an angel in hell.
Ah, but to be so vain!! Ultimately I’m not practising anything that anyone else isn’t capable of. Indeed, they think they are unconditional and unafraid, as best as they understand that to be.
Hmmm. babble. sorry.
Attachment to outcome is based on fear that we ARE alone, are the only ones able to …influence that outcome to suit us.
Which is rediculous.
“right living” keeps you in the flow. if you are in the flow, you cannot help but attract what you need and want to yourself. and i don’t think there’s a need to be a martyr in “right living”. Happiness comes from being totally unselfish in that you understand there is enough for everyone. including you.
I hear ya brother.
I agree. To be truly free is to not be caged by desire… I think I now get the buddist (I think it’s buddism) notion of desirelessness. Not that you don’t enjoy stuff, but that you don’t fell driven to obtain it. The experience of it is far more liberating than I can express in words. …something that has driven a person, more or less consciously or unconsciously, for all their life… when it falls away, that need for it falls away… well you start noticing just how strong a grip it really did have on you. That’s something you just cant fathom while still within the midst of it.
I have come back to this post several times intending to comment. (I guess now is the time…)
You have spoken a lot in these pages and other venues about your ability to just “be”, without any preconceived notions that other people place upon you. I wonder if that is just one reason you expressed your desire to assemble the Tribe. I am not saying that you couldn’t have done it for more idealistic reasons (such as enriching the lives of other HSP’s). What I _am_ saying is the opportunity for you to just “be” is much more likely when amongst individuals who are experiencing the same idea simultaneously.
There’s more lurking in my cerebellum, your post has struck an unusually large nerve and I better work on articulation.
Dear Peter,
I am TOTALLY projecting here above. Please forgive me.
Move along folks, nothing to see here…
What? What is there to see?
~fumbles around in the dark~
Hey, uh … remind me to ask you about that picture above. Did you take it? Or did you snag it off of somewhere else?
Have a wonderful Thanksgiving. Judi