November 27, 2007

• Randomization

  Time ticks on by. Daylight savings time has ended, it became fall, Thanksgiving came and went, and now it’s almost winter. Not 40 miles from here snow is falling… and I’m not talking about “at altitude” in the Cascades, I am talking about sea level, in Bremerton. Outside my window the windchimes thrash around in a harsh wind and occasional raindrops beat against the window.

  It starts getting dark around 3:30 or 4:00 on a cloudy day like today. I don’t really mind that it gets dark “early,” now– in some ways, it feels “familiar” and comfortable. Since moving to the north country, I have really been reminded of how living in a place that has seasons (of sorts) is important to my well-being. On some level, it just feels like I have returned home to the latitudes that fit my Scandinavian temperament. In many ways, I am a strange fish because I actually like the darkness, I like the frequent rains, I like the colder temperatures, I like the fogs and mists that often shroud this bit of coastline.

  At the same time, I am slowly beginning to remember what motivates people to take vacations in sunny locations. After about 14 months away, I have reached a point where I’d still not want to live in a southern climate again, but I’d at least be willing to contemplate a week’s vacation there.

  I have been “out” for a bit.

  It happens.

  I just seem to “check out” from time to time. It’s not something I consciously decide to do, it “just happens.”

  I
  suppose everyone does check out, to some degree, in response to stress, sadness,
  anger or some other overwhelming feeling. After all, even the classic
  “counting to 10” could be seen as a form of checking out, if you think
  about it.

  Checking
  out probably works fine when it lasts a few minutes, or a few hours. My
  “problem” seems to be that it tends to last a LOT longer than that,
  when I “leave.” When I check out, it can last a few weeks. Or a few 
  months. Of course, that makes it really hard on people, especially here
  in cyberspace where a connection depends on regular email and such. It
  also makes it hard to keep going with a blog… a lot of times I’ll be
  going great guns and the ideas are flowing, and next thing I know I
  just… STOP.

  I
  recognize that part (at least) of this tendency has to do with my being
  an HSP (Highly Sensitive Person), meaning that my nervous system simply
  gets overloaded. But whereas understanding the underlying physiology is helpful, it doesn’t really address the issue,
  itself. I expect my disappearances probably also a response to my being the
  introvert that I am, and yet being able to “extravert myself” to be
  very much in the world for some time… at the end of which I feel
  thoroughly exhausted. It’s complicated, and confounding… especially for
  those around me.

  I suppose I shouldn’t really be too worried,
  since I am fairly aware of– and at peace with– this part of me. My
  main place of concern is for the people who are affected. There’s a very small
  inner circle who seem able to “handle” this part of my beingness– and
  to them, I am very grateful. Oddly enough, we often share this very affliction. I’m especially those few who “get” the idea of being together, without necessarily having to fill every moment with words. They seem to grasp the idea that “together” is a state of mind, as much as a physical activity. For everyone else… I suppose there’s an “acid
  test” of sort, here, to determine if they are willing to put up with this
  ideosyncracy.

  My other excuse is that I seemed to have a couple of corrupted system files on my computer, requiring a little detective work and repair.

  I’m rambling…
  
  People sure do have interesting attitudes towards what I think of as “the invisible world.” By that, I mean the world of intuition, hunches, and “seeing” things that appear to be invisible to most people. It has always amused me how many people are both fascinated with– and scornful of– psychics and intuitives, all the the same time. In some ways, it has puzzled me how people can be doubtful of my sanity, after I have shared certain things I have “perceived” in the world. The amusing part is that they seldom seem to be too concerned about my actual mental health, being instead far more concerned about maintaining their own reality in which “it isn’t so.” Whatever “it” may be.

  Sortof related to this…

  Science seems to have an almost pathological fear and dislike of anything it can’t control. Quantum physics is a good example. It hovers on the “fringe” of the scientific world. There’s extensive experimentation going on in controlled laboratory settings, and “reproducible” results are generated, showing (for example) how we we DO control the physical Universe with our thoughts. Or how people ARE “connected” (through the behavior of electrons) once they have bonded with each other in physical space. The notion that lovers can “sense” each other over distance isn’t just wishful thinking, it’s very real. But science loathes the fact that the results can be seen, but we can’t “control the mechanism.”

  I sometimes wonder what the obsession with “control” is about. And I worry that my own lack of desire to “control” people, places, events and so forth is some kind of character flaw.

  Oh well.
  

  • 1:26 am
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