April 29, 2008
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Preface, 0.1
In a lot of families, “denial” is the standard M.O., when it comes to problems. People “don’t talk” about Uncle Jack’s drinking problem, and they “don’t talk” about Betty Sue’s consumption of prescription painkillers.
I was raised in a family that was like that, “only different.”
The “different” part was that my family simply chose to “negatively hallucinate” problems. That is, there wasn’t even background whispering about “Things We Do Not Talk About.” Such things were treated as if they simply didn’t exist, in this plane of reality. Bringing up “Uncle Jack’s drinking problem” wouldn’t lead to a back room talk about how we don’t talk about such things… it would simply be met with a blank stare or look of puzzlement.
This policy was applied to anything that “didn’t fit our reality, as we want it to look.“
I was a very perceptive kid, and have always been able to intuit and sense “what’s going on.” It was rather confusing to me that “presented reality” and “perceived reality” so rarely matched. Of course, I couldn’t talk to anyone about it, because any attempt to do so would be met with “I don’t have the foggiest idea what you’re talking about” or just the broader dismissal “Oh, what ABSOLUTE rubbish!“
A great many years passed before I came to realize that it was a situation that taught me to doubt my own senses as “real,” because I was so repeatedly led to believe that what I saw and felt was little more than a figment of my own imagination. After all, I never had a basis for trusting my own senses.
Is there a point to this?
Over the years, I have used these pages as a venue for self-exploration, and for “pondering out loud.” My recent hiatus involved (among other things) a kind of existential crisis that led me to re-examine the path that led me to This Point In Existence, along with realizing that I had adopted some false assumptions about my life, especially in the realm of people and relationships.
Well thought out assumptions, but false, all the same.
I recognize that one of the reasons I went away was because I was having some problems, that led to something deeper… and I merely acted out the adult manifestation of those childhood lessons: “Problems don’t EXIST.”
Now, I should add here that it wasn’t that my family didn’t talk about “problems.” They bitched and belly-ached as much as any other family. People hated their boss, suffered with asthma and arthritis, had kids who stayed out past curfew and had outdoor BBQs rained out as much as any other family. It was only the problems that would suggest “human weakness and frailty” that had no existence; no place to be seen. In a sense, we were to be “flawless” people, recognizing that we did live in an imperfect world.
And whereas “lesser” problems might be discussed, their coverage was limited… and a “perpetrator” would soon be led to understand that if you had something “going on,” you were expected to make short work of addressing the situation, dealing with it directly on your own time, not “bothering others” with it, and overall be “polite and stay in the background” until you were fresh, bright and shiny again, so you could be part of the “image” that was to be presented to the world… and to resume your place in the great tapestry of wool the entire family so dedicatedly pulled over its own eyes.
The slightly ironic thing of it all is that even though I typically use these pages for self-exploration and catharsis, I also recognize that a large part of the reason I went away for three months is that I was struggling, and thus perceived that I had “no business” imposing that on others… including in a forum such as this. Even though it would probably have HELPED me to write out some of these things out “as they were happening,” and it would have HELPED me to remain more closely connected with the people (one, in particular) who are really important to my life; to me.
But then again, maybe it took this session of “private wrestling” with my demons to recognize my own patterns and places in need of change.
We are, I suppose, all “works in progress.”
And the upside to it all is that “progress” was made.
Comments (12)
isn’t it good when you can recognize your past for what it is, but no longer feel bound to it?
nice to see you back, peter
~ds
I have also taken “breaks” from here, for various reasons, sometimes for months. I think we all use this forum for different purposes at different times. Occasionally, as with just about anything else, it helps to step back and look at things from a distance.
Secret keeping in families is an epidemic in modern times. Even when the secrets are not supposed to exist, they’re there under the surface. It’s very easy to teach children, especially sensitive children, how the family deals (or doesn’t deal) with secrets. It’s one of the most important lessons we learn while we’re growing up. Unfortunately, we’re as sick as the secrets we keep (to steal a 12 step slogan) and healing that particular sickness can be a long hard road.
Glad you chose to come back. I’ve missed reading you.
I do the same thing with my blog. You shouldn’t worry so much about “inflicting” your problems on your readers, since if we don’t like it, we can simply not read, right? Your blog is for you, and if in the course of working things out, someone else reads and is helped by your own ruminations or has something constructive to add, all to the good.
PS. I stopped talking to my family about my problems a long time ago for pretty much the same reasons you can’t talk to yours. They don’t want to hear it. They have their own problems and I have mine, and never the two should mix.
You could talk yourself in circles about whether it was a good choice to stay away or better to have discussed it openly as it was happening here. There’s certainly plenty of good reasons why not to bring it to the blog front, too. Ultimately it boils down to your own choice, based on your own intuition. And if progress was made, then maybe it wasn’t such a bad way to deal with it after all. Sometimes all the discussion and analyzation in the world can’t really help a problem get better, sometimes good old finding peace in your own skin comes from just being there within it, quietly. But of course I don’t know what’s really gone one behind the scenes…. and you do. I’m just glad to hear you are alive and kickin’, and ever growing… as if I could expect anything less!
My family was like that too. I doubted my perception of things for a very long time. At this late age I am finally trusting myself entirely. Judi
I admit I’m trying to read between the lines and figure out the details. Is that human nature or am I just being nosey? Actually, I think it’s because I care and know just enough to make me wonder even more.
Peter, don’t ever worry about imposing on me, although I certainly know what you mean. I have also been a bit vacant while trying to figure out my path. much love to you big guy. ~Colleen
I can relate, glad to see you back.
That kind of parralel universe thinking while growing up really messes with your ability to read the world later. The boundaries are always shifting and “real” doesn’t actually seem to mean anything! I stopped using the phrase dysfunctional family because it seems to be the only kind, once you look into them closely.
Sounds like my family.
I like you, I think youre smart! But that sounds so two dimensional when the truth is, youre a complex person. I dont think you dissapearing for a while is a bad thing, nor is taking the time to spill your guts in such a way that its cathartic.
Youre on the path… to where ever it may lead. Is that zen enough?
Maybe… I have some kind of faith in you that you will pick a compassionate answer or quest for yourself.
I do the same thing, m’dear, and back off whenever I find myself with no “funny” for the day because it didn’t seem to fit with the personna that I thought others had of me. Thank goodness, I was reared completely different from your upbringing. I’ll share my faults and indiscretions maybe too feely, but I sleep well at night. I’m so glad you’ve come back. I’m sure you remember my telling you that you’re way wise for your years:)
Yes, we had the “blank stare” approach also. Dad didn’t have a drinking problem, he just drinks too much.
LOL
No, I don’t treat Garry any different than any other man!
(two months before she leaves my father for him)
Anyhow. I have trouble trusting my intuition when it comes to people also. Not anything else, just PEOPLE! Or, more specifically, my relationships WITH them.
This ‘not trusting my intuition’ bit played itself out for ten years with my ex.
Only took a couple years away , and I mean AWAY, for my head to clear and now I acutally laugh, I shit you not, I LAUGH, at how willing I was to dismiss my own perceptions.
Ah, well. All about the journey, isn’t it? This is how we learn and grow.
Oh, and I have a thing about “sullying” my blog with complaining and ranting about my relationship with my ex. I feel badly to “down” anyone else on there. Even if it’s for the purpose of sorting it out.
I’ve compromised. ….If I really feel I need feedback, I make it public. If it’s just to get it out, I make it private or erase it five minutes after I blog it. LOL.
For the most part now, I have very few complaints or bad feelings anyhow.
There’s sorting it out, and then there’s bitching and moaning, which doesn’t get us anywhere. Telling the difference is a lesson I’ve learned (am learning)
Glad you’re back!!! Once again a very well written post….my fave sentence which had me shaking my head at your writing abilities, was
“and to resume your place in the great tapestry of wool the entire family so dedicatedly pulled over its own eyes.”
GOOD ONE!!