May 1, 2008
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“Explain yourself, boy!”
Maybe it’s just a fact of living as a human bean that our lives seem to almost constantly revolve around our effort/need/requirement to “explain” and “justify” ourselves.
I recognize how that has been a pattern in my life, since I was quite small. Maybe that’s natural enough when you’re a kid– your parents and siblings may have a (legitimate) “need to know.” Trickiness starts to set in when you become an adult and never seem to find yourself out of situations where you have to explain-and-justify.
Then again… maybe it is just my life.
I also recognize (now) that people who have periodically told me I “don’t seem to have very many opinions” are seeing the
adult version of my childhood training. Back then, if I had an opinion
about something (“I hate tomatoes”) I’d damn better not open my mouth
unless I was ready for cross examination by the high court, and I’d
damn better be sure I had all my legal briefs, research and facts ready
to defend my opinions at length. Furthermore, it was also required that
I had loads of backup material to further defend my opinion against the
inevitable attempts to dissuade me from it.
Short version: It was exhausting to “have an opinion,” and much easier to just shut up. Keep it to myself.My own perceptions (when I trust them) tell me that the truth of what is being “said” most often boils down to (a) “why are YOU not making ME the center of YOUR universe?” and (b) “How dare you have thoughts, wants and desires that are different from mine… and then have the gall to do what YOU want to do, and not what I want you to do?“
I spent some time, looking at that, recently.
Specifically, at how that’s not about them or their behaviors, but about me, and what I choose.
In my adult life (and while I was a kid, as well, I might add), any time I have wanted to fade into the woodwork because the demands of life took too many hours, the next step was always that I’d trade “life, taking to many hours” for “too many hours spent EXPLAINING why life takes too many hours,” thus ultimately accomplishing nothing.
I have been dealing with reality, recently. A lot of reality. A reality that needed to be income producing, not a reality that was fun or entertaining. Writing endless email and blog comments, and posting on message boards is fun and entertaining. But it doesn’t pay any stinking tax bills, and other such nonsense. And my income is directly correlated with the time I spend working. I don’t get to stop at 5:00 and resume “normal” life.
The thing that has always amazed me is the sheer number of people who– when I need to deal with the reality of MY life– start making noises about what my actions is “doing to” them. WTF????
At least one person got it…. bless you!
Comments (7)
[deletes enormous amounts of vile language]
What I meant to say was, “screw ‘em”. Being aimlessly online is a huge drain on time. For instance, I have recently discovered “Knighthood”. On FaceBook. It’s the equivalent of NeoPets for adults. I can relate to the numbers, the build time, the statistics!
::thinks::
Okay, what I really meant to say was that it’s a metaphor. We must pick our own battles. Once in awhile we get raided.
What is real?
What is fantasy?
WHO matters?
When it’s real, there’s no whining.
Reality sucks.
reading this really helped me reflect. Thank you.
and now I am smiling because of the selfish perspective of it.
I’d like to hire you for my personal caregiver. You’d make money; I’d have companionship; we’d have some awesome conversations.
I don’t think of it as a way of explaining or justifying… I think of it as a way of redefining. I don’t think everyone does it. But those who do make an active attempt at self-examination have a better chance of changing those things about themselves that they don’t like. Maybe if your family did a bit of soul searching, instead of jumping on anything which is not in keeping with their delusions, they might be better off. As it stands, you’re not responsible for anyone but yourself. It’s good that you’ve managed to make the separation between your thoughts, needs, and actions, and those of your family. It sounds like you needed it.
Its sooo far away from Zen.
I.
Am.