April 14, 2005

• Some people make friends, and others take hostages.

  
  

  That probably sounds like a slightly psychotic non-sequitur, but I have come to realize that it actually makes sense. I mean, most of us have a pretty good notion about what “friendship” means to us– but haven’t we all had an ostensible friend or two (or many) who was really more of a “hostage taker” than a real friend? I’d hazard a guess that most have known– or currently know– someone they felt “under the gun” with most of the time, and who felt like they were difficult to deal with, and get away from…. yet, when you did “get away” you had lots of feelings of guilt.

  
  

  What exactly is a “hostage taker?” In my experience (your results may vary!) it is someone who seems to be a “friend” and considers you to be their friend– but the relationship seems filled with an undercurrent of vague unpleasantness. The person may be perfectly charming, and possibly “well liked,” yet you often feel like you have to “edit” what you say, possibly even to the degree where it feels like you have to “walk on eggshells” around this person.

  
  

  There was a woman I used to work with– let’s call her “R”– who was a classic “hostage taker.” Once you were “charmed in” to her circle of friends, you could never leave. She always wanted to know what you were doing, and with whom, and if you did anything she didn’t like (which was basically ANYthing that didn’t agree with her life-philosophy) she would “punish” you, emotionally. This “punishment” generally took the shape of (subtly) making the offending “hostage” feel bad about themselves, usually employing some version of a “guilt trip.”

  
  

  Hostage takers are almost always “energy pirates,” as well. They “manufacture” situations in their life that are designed to appeal to your sense of “duty as a friend,” as a means to control you. If they don’t want you to go to lunch with Bob, they’ll accidentally drop the files you’ve been working on all morning so you have to stay and help put everything back together in time for the presentation this afternoon. Of course, when they cause a problem, they are profoundly humble and apologetic– and “make it up” to you by buying you lunch the following day, or bringing you a morning latte for five days in a row. Sometimes they will be angry with you, for no reason at all– and expect profuse and repeated apologies for a perceived “slight” you don’t even understand. And they will keep “punishing” you until your aoplogy is “sincere enough” for their liking.

  
  

  Hostage Takers can be hard to spot– they are generally charming and very “normal” people when you meet them; often with the sort of personality that makes you feel “this is an interesting person I’d like to know.” The “tools” of the Hostage Taker is often a cloud of chaos that appears innocent, event by event, but is far more sinister when viewed as an ongoing “lifestyle.” Their chaos is subtle and “everyday” in nature. After all, most of us have forgotten to set the alarm, or bounced a check, or locked our keys in the car, or had the dog run away, at one time or another. We just don’t have something “happen to us” 17 times a week, every week. And we (usually) don’t expect people we know to drop whatever they are doing, at a moment’s notice, to come to our rescue– at all hours of the day. If you have someone in your life who– upon reflection– seems a bit like a dysfunctional and spoiled 8-year old who acts out a lot, you probably have a hostage taker on your hands.

  
  

  If someone seems to be a hostage taker, it is usually to mask a deep, deep insecurity and lack of self-worth. The only way for the hostage taker to feel OK about him/herself is to constantly have friends “validate” him/her by coming to the rescue– in a sense, the “friends” of the hostage taker serve the purpose of being “human dispensers of self-esteem nuggets.” In the most chronic of cases, hostage taking can be the outer manifestation of Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD)– which can be a debilitating mental illness that makes it all but impossible for the sufferer to have normal healthy friendships and relationships.

  
  

  Are you a “hostage?” The answer is not as obvious as it might seem. Most hostages end up that way in a very slow, very gradual way– until you are completely enmeshed, and the only way to gain perspective is when someone whacks you over the head with a blunt statement such as “Why do you PUT UP with that awful person?!?!?” The “walking on eggshells” test is a good one. Another is self-testing for a sense of isolation. Your “friend” may have a pervasive pattern of “needing something” from you in a pattern that keeps you from seeing other friends, or making new friends. Do you find yourself passing up certain social events because it will “be a hassle” to deal with your hostage taker friend’s reaction– or do you need to “hide” what you’re doing from them?

  
  

  I am not dispensing advice, merely sharing information. We all have to do what feels right to us. However, life is too short to be held hostage in the name of a “friendship” that actually lacks the fundamental trust and mutual respect that constitutes true friendship. For me, one of the acid tests is simple: “If I feel worse about myself when I am around this person, then there’s a problem.”

  
  

   

  • 8:37 pm
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