April 19, 2005

• The Intensity of the Normal

  
  

  Sometimes I sit down and begin to write, and all I have as a starting point is something that resembles a giant raging tumbleweed of disconnected thoughts and ideas. Some tumbleweeds go rolling through my mind for years– picking up little bits of debris here and there along the way, sometimes shedding a loose branch, here and there. “Resolution,” to the extent that I ever find such a thing, often comes from unexpected sources.

  
  

  Perhaps we all have assorted “pet issues” we carry around. In this case, I am talking about pet issues, as they relate to who we are, and how we see ourselves in the world. Of course, it’s testament to the persistence of the ego that I would even be worried about such notions as “seeing myself,” and when I look deep enough I am also aware that the whole notion of “myself” has become less and less important, especially in recent years. In a sense, these words are about processing “old garbage,” more than addressing current issues. But old unsolved garbage has a way of acting like the tiny pebble in your shoe; the one that can ruin your entire hike.

  
  

  I often say that I am not attached to any particular “attribute” people/the world might randomly assign to me. And it’s true, mostly. It’s not that I am “indifferent,” but rather that I practice a form of “detachment;” that is, I am detached from their opinion. But there is one strange thing that has always been a somewhat unpleasant psychological thorn:

  
  

  “You are a very intimidating person.”

  
  

  “Oh, please, no, not that,” I want to say. Then I want to crawl away, feeling like I “failed” in some way, and wondering just what the heck it is that’s intimidating. Frankly, I am about the least intimidating person in the western world. OK, so yes, I am 6’4″ but that doesn’t amount to a hill of beans– I am very soft spoken, very quiet, not at all boisterous, not at all loud, uncommonly gentle, unaggressive. I’m scared of heights, hate adrenaline sports, shy away from the limelight, am generally underemployed and have done little to change the world in ways that would render me “impressive.” So, how the hell can I be intimidating? Moreover, how the hell can I be intimidating to someone who’s powerful, successful, well-read and well-spoken? I remember an attractive, successful career woman with a management job with a Fortune-500 company, a history of world travel and an IQ of 160 saying “I feel inferior, next to you.”

  
  

  Wh…aa…??

  
  

  Whenever I hear something like that, I fall into a pit of despair. And then I start to look for ways to be “less.” There’s a psycho-buzz-phrase called ”dumbing yourself down.” But it never seemed to do much good. And I don’t get it. And the whole idea is really embarrassing– to the point that I contemplated abandoning the Truth by making this a protected post. But I am not going to– it is not part of my path to hide.

  
  

  What’s really going on here? It’s not fear of “rejection,” so much as a fear of “abandonment.” But that’s not really it, either. It’s perhaps about “wanting approval,” and the associated fear and agony that goes with my perception that other people’s opinions indicate that I will not get approval. I few days ago, I wrote about this notion that I am a “people-person” even though I am an introvert. It hurts my sense of people-person-ness to hear that I am intimidating.

  
  

  I made a large leap forward, a few years ago, when I stopped going around seeking approval. I found acceptance in myself that I am not going to be everyone’s “cup of tea,” and it is a ridiculous notion that I should even try. I came to rather sudden and peaceful terms with the idea that I am actually pretty lucky if I can truly connect with 1-2% of the people I might meet, in a “random” sort of way. Then I set about turning all the knowledge I had gained about myself into a “road map” to help me connect with my “tribe” out there. I have a choice that I can seek out like-kind minds, even if they are few and far between. There is no law in the universe that says that I “must” choose my circle of friends from the people I happen to be randomly thrown together with, at work. Not saying I’m not friendly, just saying that I am not going to invest in “less than” connections and friendships.

  
  

  All in all, I am a pretty happy camper, and have found a good path. But that still didn’t mean that my piece of old garbage had been thrown away.

  
  

  “You are a very intimidating person.”

  
  

  That phrase still rattles around in there, occasionally kicked awake by my occasionally feisty superego. It may not be relevant to my life anymore, but I still want answers.

  
  

  And today, I got a puzzle piece, through someone else’s insight. (You know who you are, but since your posts are ”protected” I won’t link to you) The intimidation factor has to do with intensity. Not “intensity” in the angry, concentrated, dangerous way, but an intensity of spirit that evidently scares some people. It’s about the whole self-inquiry, self-disclosure, soul-scrutiny thing. And the whole isue has to do with interpretation of “intimidation.” Like how one person might be intimidated by Donald Trump, but not by the Dalai Lama, and vice-versa. The puzzle fell into place with the words I read, because they triggered something someone had one said: “It feels like you can look into my soul and I can’t hide anything from you.”

  
  

  I am neither “intense” nor “intimidating,” as far as I can tell. But that’s my perception. What I will admit is that I seek a “depth” that most people don’t. “Intimacy” (for me) is what happens when you drill down to the raw exposed naked core of essence of a person… and then two people let those two essences mingle and intertwine at their absolutely deepest level. Anything less feels “flat” and “incomplete.” Even looking at a leaf, or a bird, or a sunset, I want to “experience” it all the way down to the subatomic level. There is no such thing as “too close.” But yet… I am very selective about where I go. And this whole thing takes place in the realm of the infinitely “normal,” rather than in the fields of the extraordinary. Everyday occurrences and interactions.

  
  

  My friend Patrick (who’s an expert on Temperament Theory) says that INFJs don’t just seek “connection,” they seek “meaningful connection.” And their definitions of “meaningful” generally happens in realms that make most others uncomfortable, while the realms that make others “go deep” seem slightly alien to INFJs. INFJs want to drill down to the very core of existence; including the very core of other people’s essence.

  
  

  I am sure much of this doesn’t make much sense. I am trying to make a bit of sense of it, myself. I accept that this might make me sound like a hysterical nutball to 99% of the population. I accept that almost as many might think that I am incredibly full of myself. I accept that many will just be plain confused by this, and ask themselves “What’s he TALKING about???” It’s really OK. It’s all OK. I had an insight today that allowed me to cut yet one more of those invisible threads. And that’s a good thing…..

  
  

   

  • 7:41 pm
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