September 16, 2005

• How important is timing?

  
  

  I have been pondering the issue of “timing” a lot, recently. Specifically, what constitutes “right” and “wrong” timing, in our lives, and how important it is that we do things “when we’re ready,” as opposed to just “whenever they show up.”

  
  

  Or do these two opposites merely teach us different things?

  
  

  Or do they merely show us what our “learning style” looks like?

  
  

  When I look back on my own life, I recognize that I have often used the words “I want to do that, but not until I feel ready,” to pass over a tendency to be– for lack of a better term– “loyal to a fault.” My orientation tends to be that I must give (my interpretation of) “every possible chance” to existing situations before I feel “ready” make a change. In part, I also know that I have a fairly deep need to feel sure about “making the right choice.”

  
  

  Take this move I am about to make– I first entertained the idea of moving to the Seattle area in the late 80′s. Whereas some part of me realized that I “wanted” to go, a much larger part of me resisted, on a feeling that I had to have my “house in order” before I went. It was extremely important to me that I didn’t just “take old stuff with me” to a new location. It was extremely important to me to feel certain that I wasn’t just “running away from” something I didn’t want, but “running towards” something I did want. Which is what we often do, as human beings.

  
  

  I was married, for 13 years, and that was a similar tale. The union pretty much “ended” after 6-7 years, but on some level I didn’t feel “ready,” or like it had been “given enough chances,” till I felt very certain that every possible stone had been turned over, examined and contemplated. Or that my desire to leave wasn’t just a lack of stick-to-it-iveness, a lack of “serious” commitment.

  
  

  I was involved in a business, for 15 years. For all practical purposes, it should have been “over and out” at its 7th year, then again when my ex and I split, three years later, then again in its 13th year. But somehow I felt driven by some need to give it “every possible chance” to turn around, even long after the obvious writing was on the wall.

  
  

  When I look around me, I see so many people use the exact opposite strategy. The moment something seems less than optimal, they are off to do something else. Often with the words “I deserve to have what I want!” It often made me wonder if I– on some level– felt less deserving than others. For a long time, I envied them, thinking their lives must be so much easier, so much simpler. But are they really?

  
  

  Then I wonder whether this tendency to be steadfast and loyal (or is it really “stubborn,” and I am not looking at it objectively?) is truly mine, or just a remnant of family-of-origin lessons I have simply followed because they were “familiar.” I can vaguely hear my father’s words “You MADE that bed, now you LIE in it!” whenever I wanted to “change directions” on some choice I had made. And although he never voiced it directly, I was an empathic child, and could sense his obvious disdain for people who changed their mind a lot, because “they couldn’t be relied on” and were “weak-minded,” according to his value set. But is that my value set, too?

  
  

  What I do know about myself, is that I tend to “do poorly” when rushed, and when I feel unprepared. I am not the person you want in charge, when a bunch of swiftly changing conditions require a series of snap decisions. However, I am really good to have around when the situation calls for something to be kept up with, in a routine way, in the long haul.

  
  

  But I still wonder about timing, though. Do we create the timing that works for us? “Works,” meaning that we do things on exactly the schedule that’s needed, in order for us to learn the lifelessons that go with the situations in which we’re involved. Had my ex and I parted after seven years, instead of 13, would I have learned what the Universe “needed me to learn?”

  
  

  I suppose one of the lessons I have learned is that there is little value or “nobility” in letting yourself get hurt, all in the name of “being committed” to a cause, a job, a relationship, a person.

  
  

  Then I wonder about the “events” along the way, the “opportunities” that show up on our journey– and seem perfect “on paper,” but we let them pass, because we are loyal to our previous obligations. I had such an opportunity with my business– an “easy out,” at a time when things were not going so well. But I just didn’t “feel ready.” And (like many people in “rocky” relationships, I suspect) there was a “someone” who came along during the low points of that marriage and invited me to examine the possibility of something better, but the timing just didn’t feel right, although the person definitely felt right.

  
  

  Which leads to the final question: “Am I missing out, because I wait till the time feels right, or am I playing it precisely right, by not jumping at every promising impulse that comes my way?”

  
  

   

  • 11:12 pm
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