September 19, 2006

• From Beginning to Ending to Beginning…

  The room around me is mostly empty; a few packing boxes for “decoration,” a desk with a few books and papers, a phone, a computer from where I write this. Actually, I’m writing this from the portable; the regular desktop machine is in a box.

  A phase of my life is at the verge of coming to an end. I arrived in Austin on January 9th, 1981. Now I am leaving. Within a couple of days, I will leave this chapter, closing the book on more than a quarter-century of existence.

  I have lived in five different residences, while here– not counting a couple of previous attempts to move away. I started out in a tiny 1940′s efficiency apartment that hadn’t been updated since the 60′s. I didn’t really expect to stay, so I never saw it as much more than a glorified hotel room. It was “furnished,” meaning that it had the bare-bones necessities you find in inexpensive living spaces. But it was cheap, and within walking distance of Safeway and the municipal golf course. It had lovely orange shag carpet. It reminded me of the description of “living in digs” sometimes found in English literature.

  Once I’d accepted the fact that I was going to “be here for a while,” I moved into a new condo project down the same street– with K, my girlfriend-later-wife. It was a nice space, and not too horribly expensive– unfortunately, it was bought near the top of the 80′s real estate boom in Texas. A few years later, aformentioned wife said “I can’t stand living in this little box,” so we moved to a house, still within the city– a “nice” house, in a “nice” neighborhood. Bigger than I would have wanted, smaller than she wanted, more expensive than we could really afford. We lived there for quite a few years, and I stayed on there, even after she moved to Dallas…. but we ended up selling it after she took a job in Oregon, and the “writing was on the wall,” as far as the marriage was concerned. I developed a “bad” relationship with real estate– selling the condo for $30,000 less than the original price, and selling the house for about $15,000 less. Not out of “hardship,” or needing to “fire sale,” but simply because they had been bought at two market tops and sold near two market bottoms. 

  After that, I moved into a swank one-bedroom apartment in the booming northwest growth corridor of town– in many ways, those years were my happiest, as my “load” felt lightest. It was weird. Everyone I knew sympathized with me about “how awful” it must be for me to be living in a 680 square foot apartment rather than a house– I loved it. I started to become “me,” rather than a reflection of someone else. Then I met A, and eventually we moved into this house, in 1998. And now, that house has been sold. I am glad to say, for more than it originally cost– although it feels whacked that in the 20 years I’ve owned real estate in this otherwise booming Sunbelt city, the general average market price has gone up by 230%, while the properties I have owned (on a net basis) have about allowed me to break even. Adjusting for inflation, I have about 30% of what I started out with, in current-dollars.

  Interestingly enough, this is also the story of two “migrations.” One migration is the journey to myself– with each subsequent move, I left a little of my cluelessness and “false self” behind, and found a few more nuggets of authenticity. And, with each sequential move, I went from living virtually in the downtown core, to close-in city, to near suburbia, to edge city, to out in the sticks. And there’s an odd dichotomy in that– with each move I got closer to myself, but further away from “being in the world.” I have learned (for the second time, actually) that the further I get from a city, the more “disconnected” I feel from the essential energy of the world. It’s an odd thing– I’m basically a nature nerd, but I need the energy of the “hive” (city) to keep me connectd to life. But some part of me is aware that maybe I needed to “disconnect,” in order to truly get in touch with my introspective self. And now, as a more grounded human being, I feel more able to reconnect with the stuff of life.

  Of course, there’s a third “migration,” too. The migration that will take me from the city of Round Rock, TX (basically a northern suburb of Austin) to the city of Port Townsend, WA (roughly across the water, northwest of Seattle). Although the migration is happening “now,” it actually began in the fall of 1987– the first time I went on vacation in the Puget Sound area and “felt” something. It’s a long story which I won’t share here (if you care, you can read it here on my web site), but as I sit and write this I have a feeling that I have finally completed my training in “something,” and am about to go forth into uncharted territory.

  I feel very quiet. There is a great silence in my soul. There’s a tiny seed somewhere, “trying” to feel sadness, or loss, at this point of closure. That same tiny seed showed itself when I graduated from college, when I shut down my business, and when I left the courthouse after the final divorce papers were filed. I am vaguely troubled by the fact that these watershed moments only seem to offer a profound sense of relief, not loss, nor sadness or regret. A part of me examines the possibility that I was never “invested” enough in any of these life events to give much of a shit. Then again, maybe it’s normal human nature to not be deeply invested in situations where you largely feel like a fish out of water. Ultimately, it leaves me with an unpleasant aftertaste, questioning just why I have spent my life so ready to “just accept” so many things that have fallen so short of ny expectations and genuine wants.

  Sometimes I think I am nuts.

  And I wonder why I am doing this.

  But some part of my essence understands that I have never really had any “good old days,” and this whole process is about creating something that can become my “good old days.”

  Some part of my essence understands that– possibly for the first time in my life– I am doing something (major) because it represents what I truly want, not just some “accident thrown my way.”

  Some part of my essence understands the rightness of the new chapter that’s about to start– a chapter based in intuition and gut feel, rather than intellect and logical thought.

  Now I am going to toss the last few things in my office into a box, and dismantle the bookshelves. Tomorrow– or the day after– the truck will be fully loaded.

  As I drive away, the CD player will be cued up with the song I always knew would play me out:

  Sun beats hard
  On Sunset Boulevard
  Much harder still
  In Notting Hill
  A northwind blows
  And carries me home
  Carries my heart, carries my soul
  When cool silks they turn to suede
  When young dreams are torn and frayed
  The South feels so cold and grey
  Today! Today the North’s too many miles away
  Today! Today I got to get away
  I’m driving north
  I’m heading home
  I’m driving back
  To the place I once belonged
  It’s all gone silent
  The light begins to fade
  One man unplugs
  The penny arcade
  And carries me home
  Carries my heart, carries my soul
  I’m driving north
  I’m heading home
  I’m driving back
  To the place I once belonged
  One sweet bouquet
  The flowers strewn
  The petals scattered
  Here in the North
  No dreams are shattered
  I’m driving north
  I’m heading home
  I’m driving back
  To the place I once belonged
  No we don’t feel angry
  No we don’t feel betrayed
  Unlike our fathers
  We don’t remember better days
  No we don’t feel angry
  No we don’t feel betrayed
  We just live
  In this day and age

  I am not sure when I will be back– nor from where I will be calling in. I did recently enter the 21st century, and got wireless Internet.

  However, there is no “plan;” no “anchors” tying me to anything. There are only prospects.

  And invitations.

  And possibilities.

  And the dream of…. Someday.

  And that’s really OK.

  Peace and love to all of you.

  Especially to You…

  • 9:44 pm
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