May 13, 2008
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Pause and check
So, I’d kinda thought that when I “came back,” I’d be wanting to sit down and type out lengthy missives about my time “away,” and the various demons I wrangled.
I seems daunting, though… like I am trying to write the Cliff’s Notes version of life, knowing full well that the things I contemplated are rather more like “War & Peace.” And who the frak wants to read War & Peace? Actually, it seems pretty boring, too.
Kinda makes you pause and wonder why it is we so often relate through all the negative crap that comes through our lives, but not nearly as often through the good stuff. Yeah… I know. Misery loves company. Meh…
I have been asked– quite a few times, now– about my tendency to go away and try to figure out things by myself, rather than “reaching out.” This afternoon, I was weeding (a lovely mindless yet fairly cathartic activity, for me) and sat and thought a bit about that. Yesterday, I told a friend it had to do with my upbringing, and the way my family-of-origin held up the trait of “self-reliance” as the single most valuable trait an individual could have. Conversely, that same family utterly ignored problems, treating them like the proverbial pink elephant in the middle of the room everyone carefully avoids.
Just like the “War and Peace” thingy, there’s more to it than just “old training.” It’s just not that simple
Yes, my family highly valued Self-Reliance.
Yes, my family had a HUGE level of denial about problems.But I am also an introvert, and introverts tend to “go within” under stress, while extraverts “reach out.”
And, I have lived so many years with nobody to catch me when I fall that it’s just natural for me to assume that I need to deal with stuff, on my own.
I do NOT advocate “self-therapy,” by the way. Maybe 1% of the population have the right “tools” in their personal history and training to be able to beneficially help themselves. For the remaining 99%, it’s a recipe for disaster.
It helps to (a) have been in therapy a number of times, so you’re intimately familiar with the therapeutic process, (b) have studied psychology extensively for about 20+ years, (c) be trained in objective self-inquiry from some kind of spiritual practice and (d) have a strong sense of self-identity, even IF you are facing some kind of crisis.
I moved, less than two years ago, and really wasn’t in the mood to “break in” a new therapist.
Interestingly enough, one of the things I needed to contemplate was the way I have always dealt with difficulties.
Comments (11)
That makes sense. It’s a good beginning to at least know yourself. The accumulation of years gives one perspective, maybe confidence about getting throough the current circumstance.
“And, I have lived so many years with nobody to catch me when I fall that it’s just natural for me to assume that I need to deal with stuff, on my own.”
Playing “devils advocate” here for a minute — you have pointed out that introverts go “within” and extraverts reach out. Why is it that we extaverts tend to think, “Omigod! I’m so frakkin’ alone … ” when the fit hits the shan? You’re not ALONE in presuming that you’re alone. We all must carry our burdens. You simply choose not to share them. While we extraverts will share how alone we feel, you introverts shut the doors on your caves.
I suspect that there are a number of other issues that have evolved around your “door shutting” that have nothing to do with being an introvert. We’ll continue our discussion about THAT some other day.
As for being caught when we fall, dude … C’MON! That’s not what friends are for. Friends are there to point and laugh when you fall.
The ones who make you laugh when you are down are the ones to keep around.
I Love You.
ugh.. breaking in a new therapist is the pits.
We do have to deal with stuff on our own, but that doesn’t mean without anyone else around to be supportive! There’s a significant difference between “on your own” and “alone”
@BCG: Indeed! Much more than merely being an introvert; that’s just part of the picture. The “trigger,” perhaps. I expect having had to be the “emotional parent” since age 7(?) probably plays in; maybe the attendant “yeah, I’m sorry you’re miserable but I really can’t handle that in my current state, so let’s get back to discussing how miserable *I* am” attitude… someday we’ll have that discussion… or not; maybe it’ll just become irrelevant.
What was significant about this recent ‘sode was looking at WHY I was responding the way I do, and going a long way towards abandoning my need to do so again… and that has to be a good thing, yes?
I am glad to finally have a few friends who DO laugh when I frak up. Beats the hell outta just having everyone mysteriously “leave the building,” the moment they notice there’s a banana peel on the floor!
Hmm. I’m thinking your last line shoulda been your topic sentence.
You’ve always (well, in the last 3ish years I’ve known you) been one to do things on your own timetable, and I would believe that your long term fans are aware of this fact. There’s no “requirement” that you have to be constantly working things out, whether it be here, IRL, or in your own head. The fact is that you frequently do live in your head sometimes, and some of us have to send down depth charges to see how far you’ve gone down (my submarine metaphor for today)!
Enjoy yourself and have a safe trip, Peter.
I tend to withdraw to figure out problems too. But they get figured out and I take responsibility for anything I decide. Judi
I dont know that there is a right or wrong way when it comes to getting help. But I do figure help involves you getting progressively better with your problems. So that, with time, the effect of hurt is lessened on yourself and others.
I’m a freak (admitting!) — an extrovert who goes inward to work things out. Talk about trippy.
And yeah, I get the whole ‘natural assumption’ thing. Is what I learned, too. Gotta do what you gotta kind of thing. And old habits die hard, eh?
I’m definitely an extrovert. With small problems, I toss them out for all to share; with big problems, I wallow in them alone until I’ve solved them to my liking and THEN I share. Hugs.
I like to just ignore problems until they go away. Yeah….doesn’t always work so much.
My art group was talking about something similar today. I said I tend to go within until I can regain my strength and then venture out again. I’m in a mostly ‘inner’ state right now too…. not completely, but not really being socially outgoing either.
There’s nothing wrong with not reaching out, but if you find that person who can catch you, they’re worth their weight (and maybe yours too) in gold! xxoo