August 24, 2008

• The Exhausting Inquisition

  In my current state of low energy, I have been contemplating “things that sap energy.” Not as they relate to this current moment, mind you, but as they relate to life, on the whole.
  
  Temperament (such as “being an introvert”) may be innate, but I believe you can find yourself in places where your innate temperament gets exaggerated, and in places where you notice it less.
  
  What I have come to understand about myself is that my energy gets sapped by people who have a “questioning” and “inquisition-like” communication style.
  
  When I was a kid, I grew up in an environment where you’d damn better know what you were talking about, before you opened your mouth. And when you did open your mouth, you’d damn better be prepared to defend your point of view. My parents’ natural “communication style” seemed to be “inquisition.”
  
  “Mom, I’m thirsty, can I get a glass of milk?”
  
  “Why are you thirsty? Are you sure you’re thirsty? Why do you want milk? Why not grape juice? Do you like milk better than grape juice? Why not just get a glass of water? Are you sure you’ll have appetite for dinner, if you drink milk now? You’d better have a really good reason for wanting this, right before dinner!”
  
  I recognize that in my adult life, I have tended to surround myself with “debaters,” in many different situations, from love relationships to friendships to business partnerships.
  
  I am sure there are people who really like, and even thrive, on “debate” as a communication style. In fact, I know there are. I’ve met more than a few couples who say the favorite part of their relationships (and what keeps their relationships strong) is a kind of constant “verbal sparring.” Not in an abusive way, just in a sort of “perpetual verbal competition” sort of way, like they define their boundaries through an ongoing push-pull process, a never-ending active process of establishing “where you stand” vs. “where I stand,” re-tested over and over and over again. Perhaps I am interpreting it wrong, but it ultimately ends up feeling like we’re engaged in a “soft” verbal wrestling match to establish who’s “superior” and “inferior.”
  
  Personally, I find it exhausting. As I said, everyone is different. But for me, feeling like I have to be “prepared” (like carrying around a fat wad of internal “legal briefs” with “facts” about the current conversation) to “defend and justify” every word that exits my mouth– especially in close relationships– makes me want to do only one thing… withdraw and preserve energy.
  
  Now, I’m not trying to say that I shy away from “debate” or “discussion” of the various aspects of life. It’s great to discuss “the meaning of life,” and to explore disparate points of view. But I experience that as very different from– say– feeling like I have to be prepared to “explain myself” because I blew my nose on a paper towel, rather than a Kleenex. In fact, I find that when I’m aware of the imminent likelihood that the first response to some action I’m about to take will be “a demanding question” I’ll mostly choose to not even take that action.
  
  I also know that I’m probably in the minority, and that my approach is related to this “high sensitivity” thing– HSPs, by nature, tend to be oriented towards “cooperation” and “commonality” rather than towards “competition” and “establishing territory.” And HSPs– while certainly capable of “debating” and “defending themselves”– easily get worn out by the process.
  
  So… long and the short of it, I find people who seem compelled to constantly “question” everything in the world– from the color of your socks, to who’ll be the next President– exhausting to be around. Nothing wrong with that approach. I’m just saying I don’t want to have to “be on my toes” to “defend my words” every time I open my mouth, or take some action.
  
  Now….
  
  Why hasn’t the caffeine kicked in, yet?

  • 2:15 pm
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