September 5, 2005
-
“Truth” and “lies”
I have heard it said that “the truth doesn’t take sides.” The truth simply is; individuals make the choice to assign a “value” to statements and actions– a value that could either lead to suffering, or lead to a release from suffering. I have also heard it said that “the truth will set you free… but first it will piss you off.” Perhaps that is what happens when someone else takes umbrage when all we were doing was simply stating how we experienced a situation, or words, or an opinion.
Is it always “right action” to be truthful? Keep in mind, I am not talking about responses to “classic” questions like “Honey, do these jeans make me look fat?” There’s no real value (as far as I can tell) in telling someone they have a fat ass. Now, maybe there’s a certain (hidden) value in choosing a partner with a gorgeous derriere, so you never have to answer that question anything but truthfully– anyway, besides, who decides what constitutes “gorgeousness” of this particular piece of anatomy? But that’s a whole different line of speculation…. and when you realize that you’re in a deep hole, the first thing you should do is STOP DIGGING!
Ahem……
No, what I am talking about here is a truthful life; truthful choices. I am talking about the sort of truth where we put ourselves “at risk” by living what we truly feel, in spite of (possibly) overwhelming arguments that we are “wrong.” Those times at which “our truth” may not only be quite different from someone else’s “truth,” but sticking to our truth may result in other people finding that their life paradigms are being seriously challenged. And their response to such a perceived challenge is to “react” and even “attack” us.
But the thing about “truth” is that it so often seems to be a moving target, especially when considered over the “long” term. There’s another saying (Gustave Flaubert): ”There is no truth, only perceptions of truth,” and that often strikes me as more representative of life than thinking of truths as being absolute. Maybe this holds especially true for those who make introspective journeys, or seek to understand themselves and their place in the Universe. I have certainly learned that my perception of what constitutes my “truth” has changed.
I often wonder to what degree it is this change in what we perceive to be “true” that lies at the root of the very finite lifespan of so many relationships? If we meet some random person 10 years ago, and our “connection” is based on our “truths,” as we perceived them at the time– and we each spend 10 years working on self-understanding– what do we end up with, today? If the conditions that were “true” back then, are “not-true” today, what do we have? Moreover, can these two new perceptions of our personal truths coexist as well as the original “formula” allowed, and still allow each person to live truthfully?
What brought me to this place is an ongoing discussion I’ve been having with an (online) friend of mine who’s contemplating her 12-year marriage, from the realization that neither she, nor her husband, are even remotely the same people they were when they met. I recognize part of her dilemma, as the demise of my own marriage of 13 years was largely due to my own search for self, and subsequent unwillingness to merely “accept the status quo,” when it became obvious that the continued life of the marriage was dependent on “thing remaining the same. And my friend recognizes the central issue (and question) for her– in her words “We fell in love and got married based on the image we showed each other 12 years ago, not based on the truth of the people we were, underneath. But we didn’t really know who we were, back then, all we had was the image.”
I look around me, and contemplate those I know, and have known. Granted, the people I have called friends are hardly representative of the general population… but still, it sometimes strikes me that genuine growth towards “self-awareness” can be more of a relationship killer than builder, because we uncover the lies we once told ourselves, in order to make a situation happen. Often we call these lies “compromise,” and there might be times when that works, and times when it doesn’t. We may compromise our desire to live with a non-smoker, but what happens when we compromise our basic truths– and later realize it was a lie?
What is your experience? Has your self-growth journey ever contributed to the demise of relationships?
Comments (23)
My experience is still happening. I’ll have to let you know. My self-growth will no doubt lead me to a choice of accepting status quo or moving forward, on my own.
I don’t believe in a core, authentic self that never changes, that underlies us like bedrock. Even the earth is molten in the interior, not solid, and how different are we from that? Therefore I can’t believe that we cast images of ourselves for others either. Whatever projections we embody, consciously or unconsciously, they are a part of our truth. If truth, that is, is changeable and varied and never permanent. Meaning I’m thinking of truth as a process of honesty, a process that is not still, not absolute, not omniscient, not something one can say about forever. As a process of honesty, truth uncovers its truths by a willingness to be open, revealing, vulnerable about all the changes one is going through, and a willingness to share them. Ideally such divulgences should be met with openess, acceptance, non-judgement. If we could accept each other’s changing, our relationships would probably last much longer. Only perhaps we can’t because we had an idea of someone in our mind and they continued to grow and to change until they no longer fit it, and then they seemed like a stranger to us, or perhaps the real problem was that they stopped sharing the process of their changing with us, and so we were excluded from their inner landscapes, and couldn’t participate in their journey. Or perhaps we weren’t interested in their journey, finding our own sufficient, even if it was in a different direction. If truth is change, then, oh my and yes, change is a constant. And there’s no telling what direction the changes will happen, only that they will… xo
No, my journal toward self-truth and understanding has only allowed my husband and I to have a deeper more intimate relationship. of course, he had to journey toward his self-truth and understanding, too. But it’s brought us closer. We’ve been together 23 years.
It happened to my parents. They were married for 25 years and eventually my mom couldn’t refrain from really being her true self anymore. And that was the end of the story.
For myself it happened, too. I would almost have gotten married to a very sweet guy and I was ever so upset when it didn’t happen. A month later I thought quite different, because while I had hit rock bottom I all of a sudden started being the person again I used to be as a kid and teenager. I started being myself again and telling my friends what I really liked doing and what I really believed. My whole life got an overhaul and thank God I didn’t get married. That would have meant years of lying to myself about who I am in order to be the person my partner loves. Not a very attractive prospect.
I am in my mid-twenties now and I would tell any 18 or 20 year-old, who’s all excited about getting married, to wait a few years and get to know themselves better. Even at present I have not fully defined yet who I am and who I want to be. And as long as that is I would not commit to a relationship. I might just pick a guy, who, in a few years, or even within very short time, I may figure is not the kind of person I want to spend the rest of my life with because I am not the person he thinks I am and wants me to be for him. Maybe when I’m thirty I’ll be wiser about myself.
I once read in some book (i think it was Conversations with God) that essentialy we are kids till we’re about fifty or sixty. Now, I don’t know if Neale Donald Walsh really had a conversation with God, but I think in that regard he is right. It takes us probably about fifty years to really grow up and know and understand who we are. And only then can we start living with integrity. Just makes you laugh at the folly of promising to be someone’s true and faithful spouse for the rest of your life when you’re only in your late teens or in your twenties.
YES!! I married 11 years ago. In the 6th year of our marriage, I entered a 12 step program. Participation in that program gave me the ability to be honest for the first time in my life. The main goal, as I see it, to living and practicing this program in my life, requires I become completely honest about who I was, what I did to deplete my spirit over the years, and then practicing applying spiritual principles in all areas of my life today, so that I might become the person I really am: authentic! Livng and practicing the spiritual principle of honesty on a daily basis, along with many other spiritual principles, has become a way of life for me now.
Long story short, I had to quit living the lie. I was being untrue to my spirit everytime I said, “Yes”, when I actually meant, “NO!”.
Thanks for the topic. It’s one of my favorites because working through to the truth has given me freedom, liberation, and the ability to love and respect myself and others more deeply!
Take care!
Flaubert’s quote on truth is so very accurate in my life. And as to relationships falling apart – wow, your friend is very perceptive to see that.
Yes. In some of my relationships, I allowed to have borders set around me, but when I realized I was living a lie, and allowing destructive things to happen–I had to break free, to grow and change. Truthfulness is essential to me, but I think of the adage–”The only thing constant is change.” Truth, itself changes over time. I had the assumption of security in relationships, but found how limited I really was. Will I ever again have a successful relationship? Hopefully, but we would both need to flow with the changes coming–and support each other’s directions in life.
What an interesting post. Thanks for dropping by.
Hey Denmark Guy, thanks for visiting my blog. I’m Danish too—by half. My mother’s parents came here from Denmark in the first part of the 20th century.
My marriage also died when I had to be myself. It was for the best. I miss being married but I don’t miss being his wife, AKA property.
You really weren’t expecting me to answer this, were you? YOU DON’T WANT ME BLAH-GGING IN YOUR BLAH-G, DO YOU?
Sorry for shouting. I got carried away.
Oh most definitely. I was a partier when I got married the 1st time. I grew out of it, he never did. In the end, he left me because we no longer saw eye-to-eye on life. I was the one who changed, no doubt about that. I don’t regret any of it. In fact, these days it is one of the most important aspects of any relationship I’m in for there to be conscious allowances for change… even somewhat of a shared zest for it. I am always changing, reassimilating. I see it as “passion”…. I re-evaluate as I go along and given what I know now, I am thrilled to incorporate my new understandings… this is my passion in life. Anyone who sits in judgment of me saying “you’re too wishy-washy”, you’re too complicated, you need to simplify… to me… life can never be boiled down to absolutes… and the notion that by living a more “simplistic” life, life is spiritually “better” or more wise that way… that’s just bologna… some pedastal for the scared-to-experience-the-vast-array-life-has-to-offer individuals. They’ll never understand me. And I don’t need them too
It has destroyed every single relationship to date. That shipmate, is why I sail alone in more ways than one…
Great blog, great question…
Sail on… sail on!!!
My journey towards myself has absolutely has caused the demise of relationships. The most recent example is the weight I’m in the process of losing. I’m about half way through, and I’m watching myself become more Me and less Socially-Acceptable-Goes-Along-To-Get-Along-Me every week. Not to say that I’ve suddenly become anti-social or mean-spirited, but I’m less likely to just give in and let others have their way, and I’m less likely to accept poor treatment from those who claim to be my friends. One “friendship” has already teetered off the edge of the precipice, and good riddance to it, and others have dramatically shifted in perspective, from my side anyhow.
I tend to envision my growth as a series of ego deaths anyhow. I think/feel I know who I am and I work towards being that person to the fullest, and when I get close to whatever that is, I’ve already seen so many ways in which I could grow and be more myself, that I have to shed that limiting self-ideal and start over. It’s a little exhausting and sometimes I envy people who just blythely live their lives with no deeper thought about who they are than our media-soaked culture tells them they should have. But I couldn’t be that way. I’m just not mentally or emotionally geared for it.
Great blog! Good luck on your move!
As you grow, you will loose certain friends that don’t grow with you. Hopefully you can pick friends that cause growth in you and you can cause growth in them.
Yes, it has happened to me many times. That could be because many people find it difficult to accept change in another person. When we are with someone for so long that we are comfortable with the way they have been all this time, when they stop begin showing who they really are, it’s either too uncomfortable to accept, especially if the person is more confident in themselves and doesn’t need the approval of others anymore. It can also help others to grow closer together. That depends on where each other are at within themselves. When there is an end to a relationship because one person has become more authentic, it could just mean that they are not ready to accept change, but, there’s always room for new relationships who will be more accepting.
Life is about change. If you are in the same mind frame in your 40′s or 50′s as you were in your 20′s, than you have not grown. You have not matured or learned from life’s experiences.
Yes. Uncovering who I was while married and letting out unresolved emotions that needed closure…set my world on fire. I was fixated on the American Dream: white picket fence surrounding white house with a yard full of kids. I was living up to the expectations of my wife’s family and trying to live up to the social conditioning I’d undergone all my life. Yet, I still believe its possible for two people to remain together for decades sexually active and in love…but only if they get to know the “real” person behind their lover’s masks first…and become friends…then lover all over again…and then grow together…love together…share each night…explore through each other…and never stop communicating feelings…without strings attached.
Now that is an interesting topic and question…. my first marriage lasted almost sixteen years….why did it end… many ugly reasons….and I grew up… I was sixteen when I married him…..my second marriage is now going into our seventh year committed to each other……and there are times I want to drag him behind the car for a while but we stay together because we both are changing, and the changes bring us closer….for the most part…..I think it depends on your maturity with you make a commitment……the changes will happen but they should help not hinder an adult relationship……good post…….’til then next
I have very few frienda after re-doing myself. but I realized something when I was going through my self awarness learning to be the person I wanted to be; all those friends were jealous that I had the will power and strength to actually change. So perhaps its not a relationship killer perhaps its a weed eater.
I miss some of them, but like you said I was lieing to myself to be with them so I wasn’t truely who I wanted or was meant to be.
Are you going to see the Dali Lama speak in Austin?
I had a similar first marriage. But then I married at 17. How in the hell does one choose a partner for life at 17? I had no concept of who I was at that time and I married based on neediness and convenience. Looking back, I don’t see my ex as a bad person. We were just too different to coexist.
I have been married now for 17 years and it hasn’t always been easy. But we accepted each other enough to deal with change and always respect the other.
I have been following the discussion on BrendaClews’ site.
Nice to meet you.
Lisa
“but what happens when we compromise our basic truths– and later realize it was a lie?”
Depending on personal specific beliefs, I think we either learn to live with the lie we’ve created, or we move on. Life is a compromise. Relationships are a compromise. The bottom line becomes “how much are you willing to compromise and are you willing to live with those choices.” That’s something each individual can only answer for themselves.
xoxoxo
I think I like pwunderthebus’s answer. Actually, I like all of them – your comments are almost as good as your musings
I am losing my relationship… really have done. Probably would have woken up at some point anyway, but having a little time to think and allow myself to be honest made things clear that I didn’t want to face. What am I willing to live with? I haven’t really answered that question yet…..
I was reading quotes on friendship and thought of this post when I found this one:
“That’s the risk you take if you change: that people you’ve been involved with won’t like the new you. But other people who do will come along.”~Lisa Alther