September 7, 2006
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One of the nice things about relatively mindless work like packing is that I can do whatever needs to be done, and still have lots of bandwidth left over for thinking. Not sure if that’s actually a good thing… but it just more or less happens by itself. It’s entirely possible that I “think too much;” at least I have been told that, from time to time. Not sure what “too much” is and not sure I’ll ever know. Or want to.
As I folded clothes into a box, I pondered some concepts, and their interrelations:
“Unconditional Love.”
“Reciprocity.”
“Expectations.”
It seems to me that all three are related in some way, and all three are part of our daily existence, in some way.
We strive for unconditional love (whether such a thing is truly possible, is another discussion) as some kind of “ideal” we wish for. The more idealistic our souls are, the greater our belief that it can exist.
Reciprocity is something we want, I suppose– this sense that our connections with others involve a “give and take” dynamic… and isn’t just all “one way traffic” with one person doing all the “giving” and the other doing all the “taking.”
Reciprocity is an “expectation,” in a way… along with a whole host of other expectations– some reasonable, some folly– that can range from “being treated with respect” to “being brought breakfast in bed, every morning.”
But where and when do the paradoxes arrive? Is it a paradox that we believe in unconditional love, yet “expect” to be treated with kindness? If we “expect” kindness from someone, is the love truly “unconditional?” If we are critical of another’s toxic behaviors, doesn’t that preclude unconditionality? If we “expect” “reciprocity” how can we have “unconditional” love?
And yet… if we interpret “unconditional” to mean “as is,” aren’t we agreeing to endorse and validate all manners of dysfunctionality? I remember being married, and being told in no uncertain terms that if I weren’t 100% supportive of my ex’s actions and behaviors, it was a sign that I “didn’t love her.”
So there are limits, and boundaries… and most would agree that this is a “good” thing. So I ask, again: “Yes, but is it then truly unconditional?“
Maybe it’s in the “spirit” of the thing. The “intent.” I’m sure “unconditional love” doesn’t ask us to agree to (for example) be abused, or neglected, or manipulated in the name of giving it.
As an idealistic soul, I’d certainly be bitterly disappointed if it did.
Comments (12)
I’m inclined to agree. I see no reason why you can’t love someone and yet also occasionally think they’re being an idiot. That doesn’t mean you don’t love them. It’s merely a difference of opinion. Loving someone shouldn’t make you into a spineless wimp that turns into a doormat and lets someone do whatever they like without question, at least not in my opinion.
I think that unconditional love is probably most likely with a family member. I will always love my siblings, even if they act like jerks or do me wrong. I might decide not to spend time with them, or even like them, but I will always love them.
Good points….in my case unconditional means that I love this person no matter what…it does not mean that I put up with abuse.or that I need to associate with them but I love them as a spiritual task..also if someone gives they should not expect something in return. Giving should be the reward of giving. I know people that give to draw attention to themselves and they expect something in return. This isn’t really giving, is it?
I agree with you about the whole unconditional thing,
It is in human nature to want the overwhelming feeling that unconditional love says it can bring. Truly it’s all a lovely though but mostly romance.
You can love and work at something but everything has conditions.
However the children I think a parent can feel this for them.
I don’t know
I almost wrote about this the other day. I was thinking that I ‘unconditionally’ loved G. Recently he has emailed about getting together by phone some time to talk, but I haven’t made the effort to do that. Why? (because at one point, I would count the minutes to talk to him….I really enjoyed hearing his voice). So why don’t I care any longer? I think it’s because when I was within 15 miles of his home, he couldn’t stop working on his house long enough to have lunch with me or even to simply say hello.
Granted, I was inviting myself, but, to me, if he were ever within 15 miles of my home, I would make an effort to atleast say hi. So, I’m thinking that even if I wish the very best for him, there’s a part of me that doesn’t want my feelings to be hurt again. So, I can’t really love him unconditionally….even though I thought he was the one person I did. Right?
I’m tired of feeling more for others than how they feel toward me. Definitely NOT unconditional, is it? I guess I have a ways to go. Hugs, ~Colleen
You bring up a good point. It makes one think…
Have a good one~
I know that it is very possible to love someone and they be totally unhealthy for you. Love does not play favorites… in other words love can be found among the young, old, beautiful, homely, the meek, the proud, the tyrants, etc. However what DEFINES a healthy love is different. I think some people cant help but love someone yet because of their maturity or fears they can only act out like a child… or something worse. It doesnt mean the feelings arnt there though.
I think some folks do the best they can with what they have. Again that doesnt mean it makes for a healthy relationship.
I think its our goal, as individuals, to love people but accept them for who they are… that means their limitations or boundaries. If we cant agree to those limitations (or find compromise) or respect those boundaries… then we know that a decision must be made out of love for ourselves. No matter how much you love someone, you can only give what it is within you to give.
For those who dont love themselves very much, the well will run dry eventually. We must know our own boundaries of whats acceptable and what isnt… whats healthy or unhealthy. This may keep us from getting too emotionally involved with some folks… for good reason.
Love is a “energy”, a force, that doesnt go by your lover’s name or simply embodied by the face of a family member. Love does not die, it is however constantly transformed or evolving.
I think true love exists but its not something you can harness… and when it runs wild it doesnt mean its abandoned you. We forget what is inately beautiful within all of us… what is in essence divine by its own right. Love is powerful and when its in us we dont always know how to steer… much less what it all means if and when we crash.
Good things to ponder. I love my children unconditionally; sometimes I don’t like what they do.
I believe that unconditional love exists…. I like the things that you ask, very introspective… ’til the next
Very insightful post…
I feel I love very few people with true unconditional love. I am a mother. That is unconditional love. My husband? My mother? As terrible as it sounds; there are conditions. My mother is toxic and poisoned me my entire childhood and contiued to try to poison not only me but my children later… I said “No” and cut the ties. I did so for me. Do I still love her? (I wish comments could feature italics) Love is on of those words that get thrown around and used so often… yes, I have a human connection with the woman who brought me into this world. Love is different.
Good post…
i hope your packing is going well…6 days?
DS
*cries* you just described my current crisis right now! *huggles*