March 26, 2007

• Caution: Flow-of-consciousness ramble ahead.

  Try as we might, I guess we can’t be “consistent” all the time.

  I realize that I periodically ponder “where people go.” It could be pretty much any people, anywhere. For the sake of an easy example, let’s just take the xangasphere. You get to know someone, read their words, share comments and lives… and then, one day, no more posts appear. Messages are not replied to. Maybe the message saying “The owner of this blog has closed their site” appears, out of the blue. In real life, phone calls stop. The person from work stops going to happy hour. Sometimes people just go away.

  And I find myself wondering “what happened??? Where did they go?”

  Then I sit here, contemplating that question, and realize that I also tend to “vanish,” from time to time. Hence the comment about “consistency;” it’s hardly consistent of me to complain about something I’m actually doing, myself.

  Although I wasn’t really complaining. Just wondering.

  Those who know me well, also know that I “disappear” from time to time. And (bless your hearts) you accept that as being part of the “package” that’s who I am.

  Which brings me around to the whole issue of friendships and relationships. It’s hard for most people not to have “expectations” as to what they want a friendship, or a love relationship to “mean.” And I think that’s perfectly reasonable, in some limited way. After all, knowing what you want (and choosing it) is one of the core aspects of finding contentment in life. Yet, the moment you bring “expectations” to the table, you also start to run the risk of bringing desires to “change” the other person into something that’s closer to “how you see the world.” And that’s…

  … well, it’s not really all that good.

  Expectations… well, they seem to create work, where none might really be needed. When faced with expectations, we tend to move towards “becoming,” when– in fact– we already “are.” Yeah, I know. I’ve heard this stupid phrase since I was quite young: “You have to compromise.”

  I don’t delude myself that friendships and relationships don’t take work. The jury is out, however, with respect to just how much work is reasonable. If I had a dollar for every time I have heard someone tell me “marriage is haaaard work” (usually with a tone of dogged resignation), I’d probably– at least– be driving a late model car. There’s a good chance that a house on the California coast might also be in the cards.

  I suppose everyone has their own philosophy about how they connect with others, and the “terms” under which such connections take place. When you dig below the surface, this can usually be looked at as each person having their own individual setting on the “how-much-crap-I’m-willing-to-put-up-with” meter. The more crap someone’s willing to put up with, the more likely they are to talk about how “difficult” relationships are, and how much “work” you need to put into them to make them work.

  On the surface, I suppose that sounds “noble,” but on deeper reflection it strikes me as somewhat masochistic… even bordering on some variation of low self-esteem, that’s expressed as a subliminal ”unworthiness.” Being willing to take all manners of shyghte– even if disguised as “open mindedness”– is still saying that you don’t believe you deserve better than to “take all manners of shyghte.” It also strikes me as admitting that you’re willing to settle for “whatever” (with the hidden implication of taking less than you want, and “making it work”) rather than striving to find what you actually want. I’m just saying….

  Of course, I’m a lazy butt. And whereas I have a better grasp on the workings of the human psyche than many folks out there, certain things escape me. Why do people even TRY to be friends with people they have nothing in common with? And then, it becomes this huge amount of “work” to keep the (tenuous, at best) connection going. And then those marriages, in which both partners are perpertually complaining about the other, 24/7… but if questioned will almost robotically respond, on cue, like trained seals: ”because I LOVE him/her.” Maybe I have a pervertedly unrealistic sense of how the Universe works… but from over here, what I am seeing doesn’t fit any dictionary definition of what “love” looks like.

  As I said, I’m a lazy butt. I’m always gonna look for the “easy button,” and if I can just walk around the fence, I’m fer-shure-as-shyghte not gonna expend a bunch of effort and risk to climb 20 feet up, and 20 feet down for some nebulous reason like “because I CAN.”

  Maybe it’s just a matter of where you choose to put your effort. Do you put it into making the right choices in the first place, or into making “whatever” choices you make right, after you’ve made them? Me? Frankly, I’ve reached the point where I’d rather put my effort into finding out the exact direction in which I want to go, than into just going in “some” direction and spend all eternity making course corrections, switchbacks and turns.

  I’m not claiming that I’m “right.” Merely that I have a “right” to believe as I do. And to choose accordingly.

  I also am not claiming perfection. Hell, it took me three decades of… [fill in some meaningful word]… to get here. To this point. To have this knowledge.

  There are an awful lot of ways to “get it wrong.” But when you “get it right,” you only have to choose once.

   

  • 2:04 am
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