July 1, 2008
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The Anger Issue
Why are so many people angry?
I’m not talking about “the cat shredded the blinds, I feel angry” anger or “I’m so pissed because I spilled coffee on my new jeans” anger, I’m talking about those whose lives seem to revolve around a constant undercurrent of barely contained rage… that often expresses itself as an (or at least that’s how it feels to me) unwarranted explosion when two drops of coffee spill on the floor, or someone within a three mile radius expressed an opinion that was just 0.01% different from the rageful person’s perception of reality.
What sometimes troubles me– and perhaps troubles me more than any other thing– is that these folks seem really adept at “being angry” without ever pausing to examine the roots of that anger, nor dealing with it. It almost feels like their “comfort zone” is a perpetual state of rage. If ever questioned, they’ll typically dismiss the inquiry with a statement like “Too bad. That’s just the way I AM. You have a problem with that?” The statement almost comes out as a challenge.I’ve been told a million times that when I have a “problem” with something in someone else’s behavior, it’s usually a case of it really being about something in my own behavior; something I don’t like about myself. In other words… projection. There are some areas in which I really struggle with that theory… especially when we are talking about destructive behaviors. You know, like (to take an extreme case) my having an issue with physically violent people and bullies is really “my” problem, not “theirs?” I’m sorry, but that just reeks of “blame the victim,” to me.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not necessarily some kind of eternal pacifist, or someone who pretends to never get angry about anything. Sometimes
“psychobabble” goes a little overboard, for my liking. People get so
gosh-darned involved in the whole “I am one with the Universe, nothing
affects me” trip… even though it comes across as nothing more than
the 180-degree opposite from knee-jerk reactivity to everything.But I also think there’s something called a “proportional response.” Sure, someone may have had a “bad” day, causing them to snap… but when every day becomes “a bad day, causing them to snap,” there’s a problem. I also do recognize that I am really sensitive to “short fuses,” because my dad had one, and it was like a constant process of “walking on eggshells,” because nobody ever knew what would set him off. In later years, I have learned that much of what set him off was the dynamic between he and my mother… his fiery temper simmered down considerably after they divorced, and he was with someone else.
Balance. Finding the middle way. Now that’s the real challenge.
Comments (13)
My therapist told me that anger is the “tip of the iceberg” of emotions. It is the easy one. That said, I’ve been guilty of projection, but really angry people, that scares me, almost as much as clowns.
Hi Peter! I’ve wondered the same things myself. I can’t stay with someone or around someone, though, who is like so angry nearly all the time because I’m so super sensitive myself that constant hot tempered emotions from someone can end up making me feel so sick and drained.
Hope you have a Happy 4th! (((Love & Hugs)))
A comfort zone in anger, that’s a good way to put it… though I have trouble believing they are actually all that comfortable amid all that. As a naturally reflective person, projection is something that should be considered. But if you’ve looked within and not found the source of it, perhaps it’s more just being in the range of such emotions on some subject that is letting it squeak into your experience. I’ve been dealing with this myself the past couple weeks. hmm maybe it’s just an opportunity presenting to figure out how to be okay amid folks you normally don’t even enjoy. How to do that? beats me.
A lot of people still have some growing up to do. Anger is the easiest way for many to show that they are to be respected by others, only many of us don’t respect that, we find it foolishly childish. Sometimes it seems being patient with one who acts like this ends up being a waste of time, but that can’t be true of everyone.
anger can be a habit cuz people don’t know how else to behave. drama drama drama. i struggle with that one alot, actually.
~ds
Like everything else, projection is a valuable insight – sometimes. Like everything else, there are plenty of other times when other explanations are more useful, and more accurate.
I analyze it on a different level – the level of rudeness in our culture is quite high. Not too much putting-yourself-in-someone-else’s-shoes going around.
I think many people are unconscious empaths. They pick up other people’s emotions and think that they are their own. And then, there are just people who are Never in a good mood.
I’ve often wondered why some people CHOOSE to be angry; or CHOOSE to function only in a crisis. I hate that your early memories of your dad were so troubling. I can’t relate at all to that. My dad was the next thing to a saint. Only highschool educated, but hard working, sincere, honest and loving. Every child should have a dad like mine. Looking back though, I have decided that my mother helped make him that way. She was always upbeat; she never nit picked him. They were a perfect match.
The traditional metaphysical “cause” of habitual anger, short fuse, toxic crankyness etc is usually attributed to “fear”.
Thats why I think there is so much vitriol directed at people folks from “vastly different” cultures, folks who dont participate in the staus quo, or who arent part of “the club” of local behavior (what/whereever that may be) (It happens EVERYWHERE.) In the corporate Anglo Saxon culture, that applies to, for a small example “foreigners”, “muslims” “dark skinned” sometimes ”women”. Oh yeah, and “hippies”.
I must say, in my expereince, I usually can see that… the couple of people I can think of right now to say fit this description really are actually afraid of LOTS of stuff, and the coorelative insecurity comes in when people have been made to feel insecure, at risk, and they get angry. They have been put in a situation where they are forced to expereince fear, and they cant get away. PTSD is a good example, that gets expressed usually in a lot of anger/outbursts, right?
Non chronic angry people may be the types that get mad when they are afraid for another person. The classic scenario is someone who loves you, who yells at you when you come home really late in bad weather (ad lib), or you do something dangerous and exhilerating that the other person is terrified by! Instead of them being all excited at your exploits, you get yelled at!!!
But the really angry-all-the-time, caustic types- I run fast in the opposite direction when I see them coming….and I think that when you decide you wont tolerate that in your life, you encounter less and less of it. There is just no temaptation to engage, so youre no fun for that anger to ”play” with.
pam
I think it’s easier to be angry. People stay away from angry people… unless, of course, they’re angry and then there’s a confrontation.
I have to deal with anger in myself. It usually arises when I’m doing something that I don’t want to be doing, either out of obligation or guilt.
I’m also dealing with another who has deep anger issues, and those get magnified by alcohol. That’s a totally new experience for me this year.
The other extreme is my husband who shows little emotion and sometimes I just wish he’d get angry and say something… anything.
You are definitely more of a gentle spirit, Peter. I tend to run the gamut.
Thanks for being so sweet Peter, you have such a good heart that I’m happy for you too! Anger spreads negative karma…so I dispell it when it rises up like a dark cloud. I don’t let it just SIT. I make it run.
Lotsa Luv, Lowie
I used to be angry. I had no peace in my soul. So glad that time in my life is over. I understand the projection thing to a degree, but like you, there are just some things that I don’t see how they can relate to me. It doesn’t make sense. But there are some that do.
I posted an entry “Why Bitches Don’t Rule” and I was tackling anger being elevated as a social norm especially in women. Actually the angrier sex is women but more women are using it to control and as a tool to get ahead.