August 23, 2006
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Freight train
(or… “Schopenhauer’s Porcupines,” revisited [sort of])
Do we just all have giant “blind spots” that allow us to remain oblivious to facets of our personality that are patently obvious to others?
My father was a profound misanthrope, whose forcefulness, frequent acidic intolerance and unpredictable rages served to perpetuate the “reality” that he was better off having nothing to do with people. He was forceful, angry, bullying. Yet, he also wore a subtext of sadness, at feeling “misunderstood” and at the fact that people– somewhat nervously– tended to get out of his way.
My mom and I were once looking at photos, and there was one of my dad, striding through a touristy market in the Canary Islands. My mom remarked how “the seas would part” (referring to dense crowd) in front of him, when he got “that look.” He was like a freight train, cutting through a crowd of people.
It was true.
He “ran over” people. Especially people who saw “reality” in a way different from his own.
But it was probably a strange dichotomy for him to live with. On some level, I think he just wanted people to meet his brusque forceful manner “head on.” To establish “boundaries” and exist at “his level.” Yet… most people did precisely what people do, when a speeding truck is heading for them: they stepped out of the way.
I imagine my dad– and all people who are the metaphorical “Sherman tanks” of life– wanted to “connect” no more or less than any other people. It wouldn’t surprise me if the misanthropy was an “effect,” rather than a “choice;” a self-preservation move to avoid the pain of rejection that goes with feeling misunderstood. He wanted to be accepted for his “Sherman Tank-ness,” in a world that (for the most part) would rather not have that kind of heavy equipment rolling through their lives. It was a twisted version of the paradox of Schopenhauer’s Porcupines… he wanted to connect, yet people were repulsed by his approach to connecting.
There are many ways to be a misfit. And it would have to be difficult to live a life in which what you perceive to be your “natural state” scares people and puts them off. But it also makes me wonder to what degree playing the “I can’t help it, it’s simply who I am” card remains a valid and truthful act. Or, at least, a point at which there’s a gaping chasm between your path, and the desired outcome of your life.
Gandhi once said: “Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony.”
Does that statement still hold true, when what you think, say and do frightens… or even causes suffering… in others? And can it really be “happiness,” if you’re actually sad because “your truth” doesn’t get you the share of life you hoped for?
Meanwhile, there is packing. Five days into the process, four rooms almost completely packed and disassembled.
The final deconstruction of a life.
The final deconstruction of a quarter-century of existence.
T minus 27 days, and counting.
Comments (21)
Interesting stuff. I was having a conversation with my mom last night. She and I have very similar personalities. If you met one of us and then the other, you would know we were related. It had me wondering about my own personality, and how I interact with people.
Hmmmmm. My natural state always scares people and puts them off. But it has nothing to do with me running anybody over however. At least not physically. Quite the opposite really. : )
Good luck with your move. I know how daunting the experience can seem.
It’s rare to find a friend that will reflect back to you something you can not see in your self, for yourself.
But on some occasions its happened and I LOVE it… and I miss it when I dont have it. That person who can give me insight into myself. Thats how I can grow without doing things the extra hard way… which is trial and error… I really cant trust my mom to reflect such matter cause her view of me is so biased. My father’s perspective on the world in general keeps him from listening or seeing into me the way that would help me grow.
Some friends only think the best of you so if you were to ask, “Honestly, am I selfish?” they would think you were nuts and simply having a bad day.
My good pal Max, however, I can count on him to tell me about both sides of the coin. He sees my good, my bad, my ugly, and often zany characteristics.
I try to get in touch with myself all the time… and sometimes the line is static. But whatever I find, I try to be compassionate… I try to enjoy me… and if I can do that much, I figure its a step in the right direction.
It’s so amazing when a plan comes together.
I dreamed last night that I was laying on a hill somewhere, a giant grassy thing – - soft as velvet. I was staring into the night sky and watched a plethora of shooting stars.
It felt like a gift, and I began wishing on them – -
May all your dreams come true!
I’m eager to hear how your journey continues when you move out west! I’m so excited for you.
I do wonder if the word ‘happiness’ should be changed to whatever is appropriate for each individual in that quote. I don’t believe happiness is equal to that in all cases.
Oh, how I wish I could have had your depth of insight at such a young age. It’s only in the past five years that I feel some awakening into what life is about. I’m going to follow your journey with hope and anticipation.
So, filling all the boxes got to be monotonous and you started reflecting? I know…can’t be helped. Lucky us.
I think that the way people run over others is a reaction to fear, hurt and anger. So, I don’t think that it really IS one’s truth, but all the stuff that seems to be hiding one’s truth. Sometimes it’s just easier to be a freight train and not have to deal with other people and their dramas. Scare them away and they won’t bother you.
You are such a gentle man, that it seems so odd for me to think you had a father like that. Hugs, Colleen
My Father seemed to be very brusque and challenging…. He had a look that made grown men shiver….while giving someone that look he’d have small children running up to him and clinging to his legs like he was Santa………it was the Engima that was my Dad…. sometimes people don’t see who is really there behind the barriers……You seem such a gentle soul with so much good….. Good luck with the packing…I know alll to well how that goes…. ‘Til The Next
I’ve been told I can be scary…not so much anymore, though. I dont think you can find Happiness by being those things. Harmony will not come to you until you let down the facade. So, in answer to your question, No. I dont think you can cause terror or pain or suffering and still, yourself, be a happy person.
You sold the house?!!!!!!!!!!!!! OMG!!! I’m SOOOOOOOOOoooo happy for you!!! yes? say yes… yes, right?
I’d say the blind spot idea is right, we can’t see something in us but we sure see it elswhere!
I’ve played the “that’s just the way I am’ card, but anymore I try to say I want to be better than the way I am. Being human, we do have the power to choose.
I think you’ll like the Northwest. I’ve heard it’s beauty rivals no other place on Earth! I also think you’ll be closer to where the Goonies are and that is ALWAYS cool. =)
I don’t think Ghandi’s statement holds true if your actions, your words, and your thoughts are negative; there can be no harmony or peace, and especially no happiness for anyone. Sometimes we have to take a hard look at ourselves, especially when others are put off by us, and make some changes. Change is a part of life that is never easy, but usually worth the effort.
Packing can be such a chore, but it is exciting to move. Good luck and have a safe journey!
interesting points… lots to chew on.
RYC: thanks for the info…that’s what I figured. Which just makes me never want to eat bread in the US again.
Thanks for stopping by my site and WOW, to your post: this is interesting for me today because I recently ended a relationship with someone who sounds a bit like your father in that he didn’t understand why people “had” to react to his rudeness the way they did… after all, he was nicer most of the time, right? This guy’s father is much more so that way, though, and all I could think of was that I would only be perpetuating the cycle, biologically and socially speaking. No part in it, please. The greatest responsibility lies with the person who is being rude and mean, but whose responsibility is it when someone refuses to, like you said, get out of the way?
The Ghandi comment sounds something like I read once from Ayn Rand (imagine the two of them getting together)… she stated that a truly broken person is one who thinks that he can live separately from his beliefs.
Happy Friday and good luck with your move!
Noting is final shipmate!
Sail on…sail on!!!
PS. You knew MY dad too?
Have you found, because of your dad’s behavior, that you have purposely gone way to the other end, or are you at a happy medium? Do you ever sense behavior like your father’s in yourself? Glad you liked the Stevenson quote.
Life is one big process of trial and error. The pattern your father had adopted, must have been his way of making it through life, and because I’m so naive as to believe that we only do what we believe to be right, I take it that he must have been convinced that he was making the best of life… and so do you, but your way of living life is less like a fright train (friendly pun intended) a lot more gentle. I’m under the impression that you must be quite close to Gandhi’s definition of happiness, because you write what you think, and writing is doing.
i am wondering how you show anger and if you ever catch yourself looking or behaving like your dad.
Some people just can’t see that they run over others. Yea the packing is going well, Judi